Monthly Archives: December 2014

2014 is coming to a close, what a year it has been. It started with a 5 month gateway internship, which during that time I hit exhaustion, working at the nursing home full time, two different shifts including night shift, sleeping in 2 hour increments whenever possible while struggling to meet internship requirements. 10 hours a week in the prayer room where I would “soak” in his presence that turned into just dozing off, but i met the 10 hours. I burnt out and lost my job when I slept through many alarms and a phone call from my boss. I’ve been drained and spiritually dead but brought back to life while interceding for the life of an unborn baby boy whom id never met. I’ve been angry and hopeless, I’ve been full of Joy and filled with hope. While I didn’t have a job and was searching, trying to find something that I had a passion for I was blessed with the opportunity though last minute often, but at the same time was able to bless the mother when she need last minute babysitters, I was almost always available. Finally I got hired elsewhere, and was even more miserable than i thought i was at the nursing home. Only to then find out that a school was looking for a preschool teacher that a friend thought I would be great for but were considering someone else but they didn’t hire, but I already had a job… haha, yep, one of those times I was angry, I was miserable and now you tell me that a job I want is available when I have been looking for just that the past year I’ve been out of school… 2 weeks in and during a coffee date asking if they were still looking and quitting my job at the hospital a week later. This was almost too good to be true. I don’t really know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this. I didn’t expect for my patience to be tested to such limits, I didn’t expect that many tantrums, I didn’t expect to have to nearly everyday remind my preschoolers that I’m Miss Sarah not mommy, I didn’t expect to hurt for them, I didn’t expect to for them to make me cry, I didn’t expect to hear first thing from a kid who was just here yesterday that he missed me so much, I didn’t expect to hurt so much, I didn’t expect to love so much. I didn’t expect to get angry because I hurt so much and be mad that I ever got this job because I didn’t like the pain it caused. I didn’t expect to fall in love with so many children, I didn’t expect for the mothers heart I have been given to fill up so. I didn’t expect to make friends so quick with the people I work with. I didn’t expect to within a month be somehow staying up so late with a new friend when we both had to be back at school the next day when we only would get home at 3 am, and somehow we still had energy. I didn’t expect to dance in crazily full of life and joy in the back of her truck then moments later be crying my eyes out on her. I didn’t expect to feel so lonely living on my own, I didn’t expect to sleep so much because I was so drained from work, I didn’t expect that driving past 8 pm would be such a problem. I didn’t expect to be so drained that I would mistake my need for spiritual rest for the need for physical sleep and never being able to get enough. I didn’t expect for lunch to be my only meal for so many days just because sleep somehow trumped anything else. I didn’t expect for sleep to rob Jesus of the time he deserved, I didn’t expect to come the the point of being so stressed and hopeless and alone only wanting to isolate more, not wanting the company of even sweet Jesus. I didn’t expect to see the fruit of a praying friend, I didn’t expect to ever feel so safe when simply being in the presence of her and the Jesus she has in her. I didn’t expect to now be drawn back to the way things were in college, when Jesus was my one and only desire, because I never expected to loose that desire and be sucked into the everyday routine, I never expected to not have enough energy to cry out to God and lift up a prayer. I didn’t expect to have to be called back to my first love. I forgot how good it feels to pray God’s very heart and not be able to sit still, I forgot how it feels to dance wholeheartedly before the King of Kings and fall down at His feet in reverence because of his majesty and glory. I forgot what it felt like to worship when you have nothing left after you lost your patience and your kids could probably tell you wanted to burst out in tears at any moment. I forgot what it felt like to really hear his voice, for myself. I forgot what it was like to have actual two way conversations with my heavenly father. I forgot what it felt like to hear him say “come closer, why are you afraid” and calling me to lay down at his feet, as he tells me I didn’t fail and that he is greater than my momentary weakness, that he knew how weary I would feel, reminding me that each day is a gift, tomorrow is a gift. When I feel like I have hit the end and I can’t take anymore and Satan tries to tell me I’m not a good teacher and I’m not qualified. Jesus reminds me as I’m in utter tears laying on the floor wiping the drips from my nose with my sleeve of how my students smiled from ear to ear and had twinkle in their eye as they held and gave our representation (their choice) of baby Jesus a kiss. The way that Christmas and Jesus himself became real and tangible to them. I forgot what it was like to meet with Jesus first thing in the morning and be excited to meet Him, I forgot what it was like to fall asleep with Him on my mind. I forgot what it was like to be always in awe and amazed at his Glory and goodness. I forgot what it felt like to sit in his presence wholeheartedly broken and messy, but he looks at me seeing all of it and calls it beautiful. I forgot what it felt like to let him love me even though I don’t understand and being in awe of him. I hate that I lost it… but I am loving feeling his love fresh again… 

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