Monthly Archives: December 2015

Who am I? Who Are you?

It is so easy to let our job define us, define who we are when merely it is just something we do to make earthly money, it doesn’t store up treasures in heaven, and it doesn’t determine our worth. Personally I hate the question, where do you work and what do you do there? To face the reality, there are some people without jobs, men who feel like less of a man because they can’t provide for a family, and women who want to be able to have a future and want to be able to pay for a wedding dress someday but have been trying with little to no success. Now, that’s not exactly where I am at, but being able to pay for a wedding dress in the future and paying off my school loans would be nice, and its a little hard to do with just 20 hrs a week give or take and come January maybe 5 hrs if I’m lucky. No I hate the question because I don’t like the answer, I take out trash for a living and wipe tables, I have put in applications daily looked daily, but don’t get responses. I have been depressed because I felt like all there is to my life, like the only reason I exist is to take out the trash. But I am more, I merely make a living on taking out the trash, more than the girl who takes out the trash. I am the girl who takes out the trash as she sings praises to her God and declares that she was made to worship Him and declares His goodness and presence in her life. But I have only have been that girl recently, because I was blind, and I was bound by chains of depression and subconsciously expected someone else to fight for me. But with them not around, I realize that I did that, and now I don’t have another choice, well I do, but I’ve made the choice to not let it be an option, I have to fight, I have to declare Gods goodness and presence. In his presence there is fullness of joy, He is faithful and promises never to leave or forsake us, even when we are taking out the trash, selling paint, cleaning windows or taking care of a sick loved one. He has promised to be with us always, in everything we can still choose joy when we lay hold of his promise to be with us always.

Who am I? first and foremost, I am a child of God. Chosen and called before the foundation of the Earth. My identity is in the sovereign Lord who holds all things in His hands, who holds my heart in His hands. My identity is in the Lord who was, and is, and is to come. Who is a firm foundation, the solid rock, the cornerstone, He cannot be shaken. My identity is found in Him, the holy one, Yahweh, the one who gives me and is my next breath in every moment. He is a good father to my soul and my identity is found in Him, and Him alone (there is a song that talks about this that should be released by the end of spring, and I am stoked! The writer is so talented and an incredible and anointed musician). I am His, I belong to the Lord, that is where my identity lies, now and forevermore. Whether I take out the trash, care for a child with special needs, run a ministry, care for my family one day, my identity will and always will and needs to be in Him. God has given me a desire to one day be a wife and mother, I’m not going to deny those desires hes given me, but those aren’t primary Jesus is my God given desire. If I don’t desire Him and find my identity in Him first no matter the stage of life, I wont be a good care giver, good wife, good mother, good leader, or a good servent. I am a child of God, I belong to the Lord and my desire is to rest and live out of Him.

Now you know who I am, who are you?

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Here

Here I sit at GHOP, I didn’t come planning to write, but while I am here, I have the choice that I could be angry that God ever led me here in the first place, or I can choose to be grateful.(the word “here” is about to be used, A LOT).

Here, here I have memories, here I learned so much. Here I have encountered Jesus, here I have made friends, Here have I been pursued, by savior and earthly man, this place, here we met, here it all started. Here I glanced his direction during class, unbeknownst to me at the time he saw and thought I was intentionally looking at him. Here is where I learned to dance, to draw and paint prophetically. Here did I develop and find my voice as a worshiper, prophetic singer and intercessor. Here did I weep, tears of intercession over Israel, over human trafficking, over the nations, over the lives of the lost, over our nation, over our education systems, over the persecuted church, over the sick. Here have I paced the back of the prayer room more times than I can count, here have I seen Jesus stand right in the room. Here have I wept tears of Joy as the Father poured out his overwhelming  love on me. Here have I stood outside and received as he prophetically sang his love over me through my voice as I wept as the rain was literally pouring down on me. Here I spent hours in spiritual and physical hunger. Here was I taught the value of fasting, here was I also told that I should not fast. Here was I hurt deeply as I felt betrayed, but here have I also seen Gods redemptive power and restoration in that situation. Here, I found out someone liked me after a few months of being clueless, I ran away from here for several months because of it, but again, I found Gods redemptive and restoration power in that relationship as well. Here have I fought sleep, here (guilty is charged) have I slept during parts of my 10 hrs a week in the prayer room. Here have I stayed awake in the late hours of the night praying and worshiping, basking in, soaking in His presence. Here did God work on revealing my Identity and molding me. Here did I boldness arise, the boldness to dance (I was also dared to by my mentor who was prayer leading) across the room full of people during worship to stir up hunger in the room. Here have I been in awe of my Holy God, face down crying with a result of what we call “carpet face”. Here (right down the road) did my car break down during the blessed hope conference, so a kind gentleman convinced me that my house was on his way home even though it really wasn’t, and took me home. Here I worshiped on the drum with friends in a drum circle, here I figured out that believe it or not I can have some rhythm sometimes, at least on a guitar case anyways. Here was the beginning of a relationship, that is right now only a friendship and partners in ministry. Here I have the choice to look around this barn and be angry hurt and mad that that is all that it is. But I can’t, this place, has helped make me who I am today, this place reminds me of His faithfulness, his redemptive and restoration power. Maybe I wouldn’t face some of the hurt I have recently if I’d never come here, I would be more hurt, I wouldn’t have had as many encounters with God as I have, I would be dealing with more hurt from this broken world. I may not have known the depth of God’s pursuit of my heart, because God revealed it at a greater depth last December when he told me that someone else had been pursuing my heart because I was on God’s heart and this guy whom I had met here was pursuing what was on God’s heart. That person also helped instill in me how valuable I am to God, had I not met him here, I would probably be struggling a great deal with my self worth, but I’m not. Here has God’s heart of redemption and love written all over it, and that is what I see, that is what I feel. Here is a place I feel hope for my life, for the nations, for Gods’ kingdom. Here I could so easily feel hurt, but God, His Faithfulness trumps over what the enemy wants me to feel, this place is a place, a house of light. Jesus thank you for writing my story, thank  you for your faithfulness in our lives, thank you that you are a God of redemption and restoration, and that you are a good father who delights in the spiritual growth and maturing of your children. Sitting here I cannot deny the goodness and faithfulness of my God!